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Axioms and Aphorisms
"Tens don't marry ones no matter
what either one of them wants you to think."
"True love does not need lawyers, but a prenuptial contract
is good insurance if you guessed wrong."
"Don't tell me you love him/her and then say you need a
lawyer because you don't trust her/him."
"You've come a long way, baby. You might even have to pay
child support."
It takes two people to be married, but it only takes one to be
divorced.
"It takes a man and a woman to make a baby. It takes parents
to raise a child. A child should be raised, not just grow up."
"The government doesn't want to raise your child. A guardian
ad litem does not want to be the only adult your child can trust
or see as taking care of her. You didn't ask anybody's permission
to have this child. Why must a system now make decisions about
this child simply because parents have become incapable of focusing
on parenting their child."
"You gotta love your children more than you hate each other."--Judge Judy
"A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove. But the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child." -- Anonymous
It's time once again to review the winners of the annual Stella Awards. The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States. Here are this year's winners:
5th Place (tie):
A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $80,000 after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms.Robertson's son.
5th Place (tie):
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the
wheel of the car when he was trying
to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
5th Place (tie):
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4th Place:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
1st Place:
This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit.
"Let's kill all the lawyers!"--
William Shakespeare, Henry VI, part v, ii, 86
LAWYER, n. Someone who prepares a 10,000-word document and calls
it a brief.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding.He
stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in
particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." One of the
locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, you'd better watch
what you say. You're in horse country."
An attorney and an engineer argued about which of their professions
was established first. The engineer claimed his was because "In
the beginning, there was only chaos. Order was created from that
chaos. It must have been engineers who created that order."
The lawyer laughed and replied "and just who do you think
caused all of that chaos?"
A young couple was called to heaven before they could be married.
The disappointed groom took St. Peter aside and asked him if
it was still possible for them to be married. "I'm afraid
you'll have to wait," St. Peter replied. "Check back
after five years, and if you still want to be married we will
talk about it." Five years passed and the couple came back,
repeating their request. "Sorry, you must wait another five
years," St. Peter told them. Fortunately after the wait
St. Peter said they could be married. The wedding was beautiful
and at first the couple was happy, but then they realized they
had made a mistake. They went to see St. Peter, this time to
ask for a divorce. "What?" St. Peter asked. "It
took us ten years to find a minister in heaven, and now you want
a lawyer?"--Quoted by Linda Vaughan in San Antonio Express-News.
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
two men along the road eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you " the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along" the lawyer
replied. Turning to the other poor man he
stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family too."
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows
turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
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