Axioms, Aphorisms and Jokes   

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Axioms and Aphorisms

"Tens don't marry ones no matter what either one of them wants you to think."

"True love does not need lawyers, but a prenuptial contract is good insurance if you guessed wrong."

"Don't tell me you love him/her and then say you need a lawyer because you don't trust her/him."

"You've come a long way, baby. You might even have to pay child support."

It takes two people to be married, but it only takes one to be divorced.

"It takes a man and a woman to make a baby. It takes parents to raise a child. A child should be raised, not just grow up."

"The government doesn't want to raise your child. A guardian ad litem does not want to be the only adult your child can trust or see as taking care of her. You didn't ask anybody's permission to have this child. Why must a system now make decisions about this child simply because parents have become incapable of focusing on parenting their child."

"You gotta love your children more than you hate each other."--Judge Judy

"A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove. But the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child." -- Anonymous

Jokes

"Let's kill all the lawyers!"-- William Shakespeare, Henry VI, part v, ii, 86

LAWYER, n. Someone who prepares a 10,000-word document and calls it a brief.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country."

An attorney and an engineer argued about which of their professions was established first. The engineer claimed his was because "In the beginning, there was only chaos. Order was created from that chaos. It must have been engineers who created that order." The lawyer laughed and replied "and just who do you think caused all of that chaos?"

A young couple was called to heaven before they could be married. The disappointed groom took St. Peter aside and asked him if it was still possible for them to be married. "I'm afraid you'll have to wait," St. Peter replied. "Check back after five years, and if you still want to be married we will talk about it." Five years passed and the couple came back, repeating their request. "Sorry, you must wait another five years," St. Peter told them. Fortunately after the wait St. Peter said they could be married. The wedding was beautiful and at first the couple was happy, but then they realized they had made a mistake. They went to see St. Peter, this time to ask for a divorce. "What?" St. Peter asked. "It took us ten years to find a minister in heaven, and now you want a lawyer?"--Quoted by Linda Vaughan in San Antonio Express-News.

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you " the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family too."

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________________ 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess. 
__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

 And the best for last:

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)  

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.  
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with..
- Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED ?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10  

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.  
- Freddie, age 6   (very wise for his age)  


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?  

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.  
- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON ?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8  


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?  

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know  
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8   (isn't she a treasure)  

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10   (Who said boys do not have brains)


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR ?  

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.  
-Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7   (I could not have said it better myself)  

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7   (Good Point)  

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8   (Who made that rule?)  


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.  
- Theodore, age 8   (Too much detail for his age)  

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.  
- Anita, age 9 ( bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED ?  

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8  

And the #1 Favorite is........  


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?  

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.  
- Ricky, age 10   ( The boy already understands )

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